The 5th Fetter pairs with the 4th Fetter, and it is virtually impossible to experience one without the other.

However, we do find it important to become aware of the different types of identification that the two fetters activate, respectively.

The 4th fetter is about the energy of craving and “wants,” whereas the 5th fetter is about the energy of aversion and “don’t wants”.

So the 5th Fetter is about the resistance you feel when things don't go your way.
It is about the anger, aversion, ill-will, annoyance, irritation, resentment, envy and disappointment you feel towards yourself, and everyone else, when things do not happen as you expected them to, or when people do not act as you wanted them to.

When we describe the 5th fetter like that it can almost seem impossible to see through.

However, since any identification can never be about something external and outside of you, the 5th fetter at first glance might seem to be about “them.” But make no mistake, that is just a diversion!

It is all about you!

If you have gone through the previous fetters you have experienced how the topic slowly came more and more close.

The identification became deeper and deeper.

The underlying belief was revealed to be more and more settled as a “truth”.
As an underlying belief.

The 5th Fetter is the last of the lower 5 Fetters, so it has the quality of a sum-up Fetter that makes it very close, and therefore equally difficult to work with.

It really feels like it is not something in you, and that is what makes it such a clever diversion.

Seemingly it appears that the 5th fetter is about everything "they" did wrong to you, and the 4th Fetter is about what you think they should have done instead!

Our resistance feels like it is connected to a longing for things to be one way, and then reality turns out to be in another way, and we get really angry, irritated, frustrated and resentful about that.

But that frustration, anger and annoyance that we project onto the people we are involved with is only a diversion from the real issue!

That is why the 5th fetter is so difficult to work with.

It really feels like “they” should have done differently.

It really feels like that is the issue.

But it is not!

The real issue is that we have an underlying sensation in the body that is perceived to make us vulnerable if we feel into it.

So we identify the sensation as “icky”, and that is now what we are trying to get away from.

You will soon experience that the sensation is not icky and you are not at all vulnerable by experiencing it.

It is more the “muscle memory” of that particular body sensation that reminds us of a very early time when that sensation was present in a situation where we perceived ourselves to be vulnerable.

And as a result we project onto others every time we feel we are getting close to the “dangerous” part.

So we have a perfect distraction and completely avoid feeling into that underlying belief that we are diverting from. But obviously we have a very clear indication to what the diversion is about, what the sensation is about, and what the memory is about.

Let's take an example:

Let’s say you've been looking forward to coming home in peace, kicking your feet up and just relaxing after a long day. But when you get home, your partner has invited some guests over. So you can in no way just relax and be yourself.

Or let's say you have made an appointment to meet a friend to go to a bar. Your friend has the habit of being late, and today is no exception. So here you are sitting and waiting, wasting your time.

It could also be that you don’t feel that your partner shows you love the way you need it.
You know your partner loves you, but it feels like you always have to ask your partner to show you love the way you need it, and it does not quite feel the same if you have to ask for it, compared to if they had just done it spontaneously themselves.

It feels like if you constantly have to ask them for it, then when love is not voluntarily given, it does not feel like it is real.

All 3 examples are showing in very different ways how we project an underlying belief into a situation and create a story that fits the belief.

The projection is the indication to what the underlying issue in us is about.

The situation is not loaded in any way.
The situation is just as it is.

Your perception of the situation is the one bringing all the drama to the table.

On its own the situation is not loaded at all.

It is simply you having expectations that are not fulfilled and life just being life.

What the the 4th and 5th Fetter have in common is that we have certain expectations that we demand to be fulfilled and when they are not, we assume something in life to be wrong.

But what we have created with our expectation is fantasy and reality is most often very different than fantasy.

That is why we often feel that we live a life bouncing between what we want and what we have resistance towards.

We would like to bring your attention back to the underlying reason to why you create fantasy in the first place.

When we have an underlying belief that is based in a Toxic Starting point, we try to cover up or ensure that we won’t feel it and that others won’t discover it.

That is why the FetterWork can get so painful, until the moment we no longer hold in the underlying belief, and instead come from a space of openness to whatever is.

It takes a lot of identification to maintain and hold onto the belief, but since it is all mind-made it is also very nebulous and easily seen through.

But as we said it is tricky and often hiding in plain sight.

So it is important to emphasise that it is best not to work with the 4th and 5th Fetter alone.

The mind is cleverly avoiding looking at the fabrication, and what is hidden for you is often obvious for others.

So find a group or a guide who can listen and help you feel into your direct experience of what actually is.

The insights can only come when you keep yourself free from reactions.

As soon as you react you are at the other side of the Gap where your nervous system reacts and your hormones are released.

You need to stay on the non-reactive side of the Gap.

Pull yourself up on the 5th floor, where you can maintain an overview and be with all the feelings and emotions that come up, in the body.

And this is where it is useful to have people around you that can help you to unconditionally accept that things are the way they are and look at what is without any reaction.

You need someone who doesn't jump on the bandwagon when your Ego sits and talks about how totally inconsiderate your partner was by inviting guests to visit without asking you first. Or how annoying your friend, who is always late, is and that "enough is enough" Or how inattentive your partner is towards your basic needs, and now it's time to put your foot down!

You really need someone to call your bluff and very lovingly and compassionately guide you to the insights that are waiting for you.

Whatever you believe someone is doing against you is only a projection of what you are doing against yourself in some way or another. So breathe and make contact with your body.

First off : Where does the attachment to the thought that something is not as it is supposed to be begin? 

Who is telling you that something is wrong? 

Who is judging what would be right?

And is what you deem wrong or right universal or just your opinion?

Sometimes when you look directly at duality it becomes very clear that identification is happening, and it sometimes makes it very easy to look through, since who is identifying?

Are you all of a sudden finding a difference between the thinker and the thought? 

Is there any difference in what you don’t want and a thought? 

Can the Don’t Wants ever be anything but a thought? 

So make contact with your body; how does the body feel right now?

Were you “away” from the body when you thought about the Don’t Want? 

Did you look into the advantage of being away from the body in that moment?

If you didn’t notice, then go back and stay with this for a while and look out for any bypassing!

If the thought of the Don’t Wants is provoking, then just dial it back a bit so you don’t jump the Gap.

Stay on the side where you can look at what is happening without any bodily reaction.

What you think is about the other person is about you, so define what is wrong and turn it around until you find the sentence that reveals what it is all about.

So in the first example you can say; “My partner does not think about my needs!”
Now turn it around and say “I do not think of my partner’s needs” and see how does that fit?

Your partner clearly wanted company so you are the one who brings the drama to the table and do not think of how that potentially influences your partner.
Feel into it; is that the issue?

Now turn it further around to a “I do not think about my needs” and see how does that fit?

Are you burning your candle at both ends at your job?

Do you say yes to more than you actually want to?

Do you do things at work you do not want to?

Why is that?

What is the underlying reason for that?

Fear, anger, guilt, shame?

Look into which of the emotional indicators are the driving force and sit with the feeling.

Or let’s look at the example regarding your friend who is always late.

Start with the sentence that is happening in the moment: “My friend is disrespectful of my time.” Now turn it around and say: “I am disrespectful of my friend’s time,” and see how does that fit?

Do you see that you want to dictate how your friend spends their time before meeting with you to ensure they do not waste your time.
Do you see how disrespectful that is?

Just like you want freedom to do with your time as you wish, well, so does your friend.

Now turn it further around to: “I am disrespectful of my time,” and ask yourself; are you?

Are you disrespectful towards yourself in general in your life?

Why is that?

What is the underlying reason for that?

Fear, anger, guilt, shame?

Look into which of the emotional indicators are the driving force and sit with the feeling.

And in the last example of your partner not showing you love the way you want them to, you can make the sentence: “My partner is not loving me the way that I need.” Now turn it around to: “I am not loving my partner the way that they need.”
- Suddenly that becomes very clear!

You create a relationship where they are not allowed to be themselves but have to mind-read to please you just the right way. Now how are you loving them the way they need?

So now turn it further around and say: “I am not loving me the way that I need.” Feel into if that fits better.

Do you love yourself the way that you need, or could you be more connected to yourself with different displays of compassion, love and kindness?

As you see, the Bubble of Reality is still coated with mirrors. And everything you want on the outside is only ever a reflection of what is needed on the inside.

And that is the beauty of it.

It makes everything so uncomplicated and easy when you no longer identify and just see it as it is.

We have made a lot of inquires for you to use where you follow the sting of attachments into the need, meet the need, detach the label and just stay with the bodily sensation.

When you do that you will feel how it suddenly starts to shift from an icky sensation to being a moving insightful experience.

Enjoy